"You must be pregnant."

My housemate J and I have a little inside joke we use at least a few times a week. If either of us mentions feeling the slightest bit out of the ordinary -- whether it's an intense craving for chocolate, or mild digestive problems, or fatigue -- the other says, "You must be pregnant."

We started saying it a year ago, because it's funny, when women have any sort of health issue that puts them a little out of homeostasis, it seems like it's a possible pregnancy symptom. Constipation? Could be pregnancy. Diarrhea? Pregnancy can do that. Energy boost? Probably pregnant. Tired constantly? Must be a baby on the way. If you read enough pregnancy boards, you'll see many people making all these different reports on what the first few weeks of their pregnancy felt like. Just about every symptom under the sun has been experienced, it would seem, and that makes sense: even if you actually had the flu, if you pee on a stick and test positive, you're likely to attribute your aching muscles and tired body to the pregnancy instead of a virus.

It's not just me. Or just J. It's some sort of female obsession. In the livejournal community vaginapagina, "am I pregnant?" posts have become something of a pastime. There are many more communities specifically devoted to the question. I'm not sure how the respondents are supposed to know. Tea leaves? Divination?

That might not be too far off. I signed up for a service called Liveperson to give natural childbirth advice and such (the rest of it is infested by OBs), and because of that I get emails whenever someone posts a request for advice to the forum. The most common questions are: "Will I ever get pregnant?" "What day and month will my child be born?" and "Am I infertile?" No additional information, ever, either. They want divination, reassurance. And it has to be divination, because the whole thing is based in magical thinking.

But the inside joke has become a bit saddening at this point, now that I'm actually trying (and she's joining in the fun next week with the removal of her Paragard IUD!). Because, you see, in the 'two week wait' between ovulation and menstruation, every symptom is obsessively looked for. If you do a web search for any random health issue in conjunction with early pregnancy, you're likely to get results. Everything gets blown out of proportion. A twingey ache in a breast for thirty seconds becomes "hmm, I wonder if I'm pregnant."

Inevitably, the symptoms add up into the semblance of a cohesive whole, and the pee stick is consulted, usually a few days before the expected start of menstruation. No, they don't always work then, but that's no obstacle when there's magical thinking involved. When the pee stick turns up negative, there's always the obsessive google searches for "never got positive preg test but was pregnant anyway" stories. When Aunt Flo finally arrives with her emotional baggage in tow, you can still comfort yourself with those stories about women who had nearly normal periods all throughout their pregnancy! The astronomical odds mean nothing in the face of the idea that one woman, somewhere, somehow, had a baby without having any symptoms at all until the damn thing was crowning.

So for now, it's all hurry up and wait. But a little obsession never hurt anyone. Maybe I'll go pee on a stick tomorrow.