Birth, BDSM, and safewords

If you'll allow me to venture just a bit off topic here, I want to talk about BDSM. If you don't already know, the acronym stands for Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Masochism. It encompasses everything from a playful spanking and "you tie me up and I'll tie you up" to cutting and piercing as sexual play. If discussion of sex upsets you, well, read this anyway. It's not going to be too intense, I promise. Also, if you're familiar with BDSM, you can skip the next two paragraphs.

There's a concept in the BDSM world called the safeword. Basically, part of what makes BDSM fun is that you can get to a point where you don't have to think about your reaction. You can cry and get upset and generally make a big fuss, and even say "no," without the other person stopping. It can be a fun fantasy to have someone keep going even after you say "no." But how can you differentiate between a playful "no" and a serious "stop now" no? I'm a firm believer that "no" means "no" always, unless there's a pre-defined agreement, but even with such an agreement, you need something else to mean no.

That's where safewords come in. A safeword is a special phrase or word that you can say that will make any pain infliction come to a complete halt immediately. It's always a word unrelated to "no" -- something that you wouldn't normally say during sex or while in pain -- that you will only say if you need the action to stop right away. Generally, most people in BDSM rarely end up using their safewords: most partners are able to sense when someone is nearing the limits of their pain tolerance, and back off accordingly. A safeword is sacrosanct, it must be followed without hesitation.

When I've heard other women talk about birth, many of them mention that they felt unsupported in their choices, even choices they'd made with the full knowledge of their partner. Why? Because as soon as, say, a woman intending a natural unassisted home birth says "I don't know, this isn't normal, this can't be normal, I want to go to the hospital," it's an unwinnable situation for the partner. If she just needs reassurance that her labor is normal and that she's doing well, his response of "okay, let's go to the hospital right now!" might seem unsupportive or like he doesn't believe she can go through with it. On the other hand, if she's having a genuine moment of intuition that says her labor is developing complications or she truly believes she must go to the hospital immediately, his reassurance that she's doing fine might just make her feel scared and trapped. Sometimes a woman saying to her doula or partner: "dammit, I wish someone would just give me the meds" is a genuine cry for medical attention, and other times, it's just said to let off steam and have an emotional vent. "I want an epidural, fuck this, I want my epidural" could mean "Even with the risks involved, the pain is too bad to cope with and I must have this now," or it could just mean "I wish I could make the pain go away! Tell me that it won't be too much longer."

But it's just like in BDSM. How do you tell apart real requests and emotional vents made in a heated moment? That's why I think the concept of a "birth safeword" should be incorporated into all births, whether they're in a hospital, a birth center, or a home, and regardless of who they're attended by. This way, women can say whatever comes to mind, without fear that their venting will be interpreted as a plea for immediate medical attention, but also have the ability to make their needs known as serious and immediate if necessary.

What are your thoughts? Does a "birth safeword" sound like a good idea to you? Has there ever been a time when you think you might have avoided an unnecessary intervention with this sort of technique?